


The Daily Prophet: Exclusive Edition

by Tsubasa Kurono (kurotsuba)



Series: A Snitch in Time: Harry Potter and a Series of Unrelated Events [12]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Challenge Response, Comedy, Contest Entry, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Cussing, Daily Prophet, Dark Comedy, Epistolary, Experimental Style, Gen, Humor, Ink, Inks, Mild Language, Ministry of Magic, Muggle Technology, Muggle/Wizard Relations, Newspapers, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Parody, Post-Hogwarts, Quidditch, Quidditch World Cup, Satire, Short One Shot, Unforgivable Curses (Harry Potter), Wizarding Politics, Wizarding World
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13341597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurotsuba/pseuds/Tsubasa%20Kurono
Summary: A collection of oneshots based on J. K. Rowling's Wizarding World, featuring theDaily Prophet. Most are written for FanFiction.Net forum competitions, contests, challenges, etc.T for some language and violence.[IRREGULAR]





	1. Inkspiration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the office of the wizarding world-renowned Daily Prophet, a lone intern witch is about to learn the truth behind this saying: "Excitement can kill a restless cat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Judges' Pick Entry for "The Houses Competition" Year 1 Round 6.**

"Argh! No… _No!_ "

It was the umpteenth time Betty Spotters, all alone in the cramped office of the notorious _Daily Prophet_ , crushed her working draft and tossed the ball of paper over her tense shoulder. Stealing a quick glance at her waistwatch, the young intern journalist couldn't help hissing out a curse. _Merlin's pants_ —the deadline to complete this crap-of-an-article was closing in a few hours, and the mess of crumpled parchments strewed around her workplace only served to worsen her growing anxiety. So much so that the agitation had knocked her glasses askew, slipping off the bridge of her nose before landing on the table with a clatter.

Betty squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. She was at a loss; with her current state of mind, there was no way she would be able to spit out the words to finish this stupid article in a flourish. _Who cares about Blaise Zabini's latest rumored girlfriend? Like mother, like son. This news is getting old—boring!_

…Oh well. She was no Rita Skeeter, after all.

With the soreness between her eyes easing up after the little break, she put the glasses back on her face and stood up. Didn't the editor order a new stock of ink couple of days ago?

Maybe the drying ink she had been using all this while was the cause of her horrible writing.

* * *

Moments later, after a trip to the storage room, Betty was back at her own desk with a new bottle of ink—along with a mouthful of dust. The coughing fit made her slam the ink bottle down harder than intended. Thank goodness she hadn't remove the seal just yet, or else she would have more than her dripping snort to clean up.

Anyway, back to work.

She threw away the old ink bottle in the direction of a lovely—and carnivorous—trashbin, smirking to herself when she scored a point at the satisfying sound of breaking glass. She then returned her attention back to the new bottle of ink, unscrewing the cap slowly, her heart skipping with every round till it popped off, forcing her to reel back at the strong smell of fresh ink.

Together with the smell of rekindled inspiration.

The rest of the night felt like a blur to Betty. In her state of excitement, the quill in her hand danced across the parchment with such finesse that the flickering candlelights around the young journalist seemed to sway with every scratch on the paper.

With an impactful full-stop to denote the finality of her hard work, she put down the ruffled, blackened quill and picked up the completed article. Admiring her flawless cursive penmanship, feeling smug at…

_What's this?_

Her wide eyes were dangerously close from bursting out of their sockets as she read on.

_What the bloody hell is this?_

Betty redirected her exasperation to the new ink bottle she had gotten from the storage room, but soon the furrowed brows shot up as she dashed back to the said room. A handful of knocked-down boxes and bruises from walking into the sharp edges of the metal cabinets later, she finally reached the opened carton. There was a note stuck on the back of the box:

> _To All Staff,_
> 
> _Please do not—I repeat, DO NOT—use the self-correcting inks from this box as some idiot had accidentally hexed them with a self-swearing curse of sorts. Mr. Willington will come around to collect back this defective stock and exchange a new one tomorrow morning._
> 
> _Your Beloved Editor,_  
>  _Howard Tunor_

* * *

As the silence of the dead night dragged on, all that was left on Betty Spotter's desk was a pile of ash. Amongst the bits of burned parchment, there was a piece that managed to escape from its doomed fate. A name, distorted by the jinxed ink, that read:

> _Bitchass Zippernut._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
> THC | [Y1R6] Drabble | [Object] Self-Correcting Ink


	2. Quidditch Quirk Times, Issue #101002-01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The "Quidditch Quirk Times" is a special edition newsletter created by the _Daily Prophet_ to feature a series of reports on the upcoming 428th Quidditch World Cup that will be held in 2018 in the Taklamakan Desert, China.
> 
> ...And a horrible marketing strategy to make you pay double to get just two papers, actually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Quidditch Quirk Times **   
>  **Issue #101002-01**

**CHINA WINS RIGHTS TO HOST THE 2018 QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP IN THE MIDST OF A BLOODBATH**  
_From the_ Daily Prophet's _Quidditch correspondent at the Queerditch Marsh, Ginny Potter_

Controversies have shrouded the popular, international sensation for centuries, but it has never been this bloody, this brutal, with casualties counting up to thousands. We are not talking about broken noses, arms and ribs on the pitch, or the usual taunting from the hideous Veelas mascot team—we are looking at a nasty war that has begun before the match has even happened.

In whatever was left of the conference hall in the International Quidditch Convention Centre located at Queerditch Marsh in Manchester, England, the International Confederation of Wizards Quidditch Committee (ICWQC), the International Quidditch Association (IQA) and the Federation Internationale de Quidditch Association (FIQA) have officially declared China as the host of the 428th Quidditch World Cup. The name of the country itself has sparked widespread protests across Europe and the United States of America, with many believing the Chinese magical ministry had bribed—even threatened—the international committees into giving them the hosting rights for the next Cup.

The decision, made behind closed doors in the 10,000-seat conference hall, turned ugly when the votes was a close 249 against 247 votes out of a total of 500 (with four discarded votes from Japan, South Korea, USA and Australia) that passed without a second voting round to determine a clear winner between hosting finalists, China and Russia. Disgruntled members, especially from the European and American countries, began to verbally attack those in the higher council, and soon it escalated into an all-out tussle of terrible spells and flying furniture, with rumours that Unforgivable Curses had been used to force those opposing their cause into submission. Aurors from the British Ministry of Magic had to be sent in to restore order and get the injured ones to St. Mungo's for immediate treatment. At least fifty were reported dead.

"The decision is final," said a dishevelled Mentor Metaxas, the current chairman of ICWQC, at the press conference and handover ceremony held outside the ruined hall. "We urge all wizarding communities to exercise restraint and acceptance regardless of your personal feelings and opinions, and instead give our best wishes to China to show us the most exciting Quidditch World Cup of the century."

Speaking at a private interview session approximately one hour after the ceremony, Xu Junpeng, the Chinese representative for IQA, has made the following statement:

"You can be rest assured that we will present you with the best Quidditch World Cup the world has ever seen since its inauguration. The muggles of our homeland had already proven themselves with the spectacular Beijing Summer Olympics in 2008, and obviously we are going to give you an even better show than what our muggle people did in the upcoming Quidditch World Cup."

However, it is nowhere enough to quench the rising anti-Chinese sentiments among those from the West. "That's a load of _bullshit_ ," said an officer exiting from the conference hall who did not wish to be named. "The recent investigations of illegal experiments to produce magical children in their despicable laboratories, the ongoing wizarding rights issue, and even their questionable, _cruel_ training regime for their own Quidditch teams—the list of heinous absurdity goes on and on and on. Who in their right mind would trust such a vile species like them?"

No words from the Ministry of Magic's office has been issued regarding the gravity of this unfortunate incident, although there are leaks about ministry workers on leave have been called back to work overtime to help to ease the worsening situation. Temporary laws and curfews have also been put in place to maintain order among the wizarding community in Britain and avoid magical exposure to the muggle world due to uncontrolled riots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
> THC | [Y1R7] Short | [Sports] Quidditch


	3. Quidditch Quirk Times, Issue #101002-02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The "Quidditch Quirk Times" is a special edition newsletter created by the _Daily Prophet_ to feature a series of reports on the upcoming 428th Quidditch World Cup that will be held in 2018 in the Taklamakan Desert, China.
> 
> ...And a horrible marketing strategy to make you pay more to get both papers, actually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Quidditch Quirk Times **   
>  **Issue #101002-02**

**MUGGLE TECHNOLOGIES APPROVED FOR USE IN THE 428TH QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP**  
_By the_ Daily Prophet's _intern journalist, Betty Spotters_

Today is the day that marks a new chapter in the history of Quidditch, the day the most popular wizarding sport in the world will receive what the muggles have called 'simultaneous broadcasting'. No more overcrowding of the competition site, no more headaches over dreadful crowd controls and travel regulations—these are only the few examples from the host country's to-do list each time the Cup is held on their very soil.

Putting aside the horrifying aftermath when China has won the rights to host the Cup in 2018, this upcoming event is the first step to embrace advancement in our magical ways to keep up with the evolving muggle world of the 21st century. Latest recording and filming equipment will be employed—with proper, controlled magical enhancements—to broadcast the Quidditch World Cup live from the Taklamakan Desert to all wizarding communities across the globe via televisions. Live commentaries will also be available through radios, with the Wizarding Wireless Network endorsed as the official radio station for the game. Talks are underway to explore the possibilities of using other media outlets such as what the muggles call the 'Internet', but progress has been slow on the required work to be done to prevent unsuspecting muggles accidentally tapping into the wizarding line. (Mrs. Ginny Potter, our lovely Quidditch correspondent, has kindly told me that in the muggle world, the term is known as 'hacking'.)

While the younger generations welcome this news, those from the older era rebuff the idea. "This is blasphemy!" said a woman who wished to be identified only as Mrs. McLaggen. "Are they trying to _mugglefy_ us?"

The term 'mugglefication' was first coined by an American wizard student named Jackson Drake, who originally came up with it as a pun joke that quickly became a trending word in the US magical institution, the Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, before it spread to the rest of America, and later to the wizarding communities around the world.

Inside sources from the International Quidditch Association (IQA) have expressed concern at how prejudice against muggles have not improved much over the years:

"Well, there are slight improvements in Britain and some parts of Europe after the Second Wizarding War. Even with Mrs. Hermione Weasley rising in power as the new Head for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement pushing for equal rights to protect muggle-borns, nothing has changed in the other wizarding communities. Some have even escalated to extreme division between pure-bloods from the 'tainted, worthless' ones as seen in the Middle East and countries such as India.

"On one hand, witches and wizards born after the 20th century are more open and receptive to use magic alongside latest muggle technologies; on the _other_ hand, their parents and even grandparents are still deeply stuck in their old, traditional ways, too stubborn to accept change and move on with the new era."

Although the Chinese magical ministry is vying to handle the technological procedures of this groundbreaking attempt on their own, the IQA is enlisting assistance from the Japanese magical ministry instead, for Japan is the earliest country to have employed the use of muggle artefacts and technology into the magical lifestyle of the Japanese wizarding families.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
> THC | [Y1R7] Short | [Sports] Quidditch

**Author's Note:**

> Oneshots by Tsubasa Kurono.  
>  _Harry Potter_ series © J. K. Rowling.
> 
> Inspirations:  
> "[The Houses Competition](https://www.fanfiction.net/forum/The-Houses-Competition/202668)" by MoonlightForgotten.
> 
> (Originally posted on [FanFiction.Net](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12804844))


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